My Boyfriend Is Ignoring Me, What Should I Do?
Hello, Loyal Readers. I received fan mail, inside the guise of your question. That, or perhaps the reader planned to butter me up. But I'll take it, and have posted her question unedited.
Liz,I really like your column. Whenever I get a spare moment to browse around online, I always ensure that you stop by and study your latest pieces. You are hilarious and inappropriate inside the best possible of ways. Also, I think your advice is exceedingly relevant, that's actually why I am writing you. I have a bit of a relationship question for you personally. I have been with my boyfriend for approximately four and a half years now. I really love him, and I want to have a future with him. Our relationship has always had some interesting pros and cons, but until recently, I never really questioned his feelings towards me. We've both gone through a lot of personal issues over the last few years, it is rarely been easy. But coming through all of that, I feel more detailed him then ever, but suddenly, I'm obtaining the impression he doesn't have the same way. You know those not-so-subtle hints men give when they want space? Avoidance, staying up through the night (EVERY NIGHT) playing game titles/watching anime (though I guess this is not exactly a fresh problem), and just generally not building a point of spending time along. For the first couple of days roughly, I barely even noticed it. But it has probably been two months since he actually suggested doing anything like a couple. He isn't actually talking to me.. Or at the very least, the results initiating conversation. And the worst part, he isn't touching me. No hug when he gets home from work, no kiss on the way out the door... Don't even get me started on how long it is often since we've had sex. I've got more than clear that I am absolutely available for any of those aforementioned activities, but absolutely nothing is getting through to him. I feel like overnight some sort of impenetrable wall has grown between us, and I don't have the faintest of notions the best way to reach him. Communication has not been our strong point, were pretty private people. But I love him, I trust him, I've showed for him much more than with other people I've ever been with. He is my mother. What am I meant to do? How do I begin that conversation? "Hey hun, why haven't we spent whenever together in two months?" Any insight you may have on this could be great. And of course, thank you for writing a real ridiculously awesome column.~Apparently Untouchable
Well, AU, I know what I would do because situation, but I didn't want to deny you advice from the experts.
What's interesting is it's obvious until this change might be happening for many reasons. I will outline the reasons suggested by experts (below), but please understand, AU, these suggestions say a little more about their experiences than what is going on together with you, but I thought there's a chance you're interested anyway.
Things The Experts* Thought Could be Wrong- You got fat.- He got fat.- He is the “dog that caught the car” and today doesn't get sound advice with the relationship.- He is cheating on you, or perhaps having an emotional affair.- He is getting bored with all the relationship.- He is happy inside relationship, but has overlooked relationship maintenance and thinks everything is fine.- He is thinking you desire to take the next step within the relationship which is afraid of that commitment or resents you as they didn't have a lot of “single experiences.”- You have slowly grown apart and only just noticed. - He is upset with you about something and being passive aggressive, because nerds are essentially women. - He is stressed about something.
So. That survey gave us a lot of ideas of what could be wrong, but basically got us nowhere. I greatly sympathize with your plight—inside my second year of marriage my hubby came home and played video gaming, didn't speak to me, and wouldn't familiarize yourself with my friends. He literally refused to tell me why he previously gotten so closed off (understanding that included 2 hours spent in his room beside me saying “Can we do something together? Anything? What is occurring? Are you pleased with our relationship similar to this?” and him not saying a word), and in many cases when I finally said I wished to be separated and he agreed to check out a counselor, he still refused to acknowledge that individuals had any kind communication problems. That was type of rambling. Let's get to you.
That story didn't end well (well, it sort of did. I learned a lot), but that doesn't mean your story can't. I realize you suggested saying “Hey, hun, why haven't we spent at any time together in 2 months?” in a very sarcastic way, but it sounded good in my opinion. But then again, you say you happen to be both very private.
Ok, AU. You have been dating for 4 years, yes? And you live together? And up until recently, experienced sex fairly regularly? Well…here's my philosophy on openness. If someone has experienced their penis in my vagina, I then have complete clearance to communicate with them about any concerns within our relationship, because that alone is pretty private
. You do not have to do that in an accusatory manner. However, I have found that after approaching people about a problem, especially men, it's best being armed with some examples. It is possible the man you're seeing isn't aware he's accomplishing this. So just ask him if things are all ok. If he states yes, point out that a lot of things have changed recently, and you are concerned and miss him. If he still has no idea what you mean, explain the lack of sex, how you two barely spend some time together and how you have to initiate that, etc. And then make sure he understands you miss him, and specifically everything you would like him to alter.**
I realize that talking might be scary, and stressful and sometimes just annoying. I sometimes don't mention what to my boyfriend because I don't desire to rehash whatever event I am upset about. Then three weeks later I causally mention something and the man says “You didn't inform me your grandma went into intensive care.” And then I feel bad.
But this is exactly why communication is important—sure, as modern women we can easily hack it on our own, though the benefit of having a long term relationship is the fact that you're a team, this also person is your friend. If you don't ask this person questions or tell him how you feel and everything you need, what's really the point? Sex? In that case, dump the guy, and send me a picture. I'll make use of the money I get out of this article to guide your subscription to complement.com, and you should do fine finding sex there.
If you're really resistant to actually talking to your boyfriend relating to this, you're in good company. Only one of our own expert responders suggested simply asking the man you're dating what is wrong. So …in case you don't need to take my advice (or just wish to know what the Experts said), here are some other tactics.
What to accomplish if you still don't want to talk to your man about the issue (through the Experts)-Stop conversing with your boyfriend completely.-Move out and see if he notices.-Lose weight, or cause him to lose weight. (I know. I feel such as the Experts are giving Dr. Phil a run for his money.)-Purchase lingerie and seduce him using a sexy dance, after which sex. (This one is the best. It will REALLY solve the situation.)***
There you have it. My advice, and expert advice, as being a bonus. But do me a favor—email me sometime and inform me how this turned out. Because I put this in the column, literally lots of people are now emotionally invested in your well-being. And good luck.
Also, the photo above is not how I imagine the two of you, I just thought it was funny.
*”Experts” are certainly not licensed therapists. In this situation, the “experts” were men, ages 22-39, who had previously been in lasting relationships (no less than 3 years). This was specially targeted towards these men because men who has not been in long-term relationships do not have a real-life frame of reference. (and several of you Loyal Commenters say I'm not actually scientific)
**Seriously. Men need specifics. People who complain that their boyfriends/husbands don't do XYZ and it really bothers them often aren't directly going to their lover and saying “You have done XYZ more than once, and yes it bothers me. I need you to perform ABC.” Repeat more than once. And then in 3 months, you will need to remind him again. I apologize, men, nonetheless it's true.
***Maybe this suggestion just makes me laugh because I am really bad at seduction. I can't imagine dancing in front of someone in lingerie with out them turning into some kind of Newsies-ballad table dance routine.
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